i don’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore~

Brad Richardson

October 26th, 2011


Personally it only happened a couple times when I was a little boy. But I remember the depth of pain that I was feeling when it happened. I remember the deep sorrow, my chest heaving, everything seeming like it was dark, the sense of hopelessness. Can you recall a time when you cried yourself to sleep?

When I asked Amy (not her real name) what I could pray for her she said through tears, “I just don’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore.” She sobbed as I gently placed my hand on her shoulder and asked God to help her through her pain. When I was done praying she confessed that many times the pain was too much and she had thought about suicide. She thanked me for bringing the band to play music for them. She said that she has always really enjoys it when we come. That it makes her feel really good. “I wish I could feel this good all the time.”

Excelsior Youth Home for Girls is a treatment center for girls ages 11-18. ExcelsiorYC.Org. The reality of losing one of these precious, young ladies is so real that Excelsior does head counts every 15 minutes. In fact, one of my friends had a daughter at Excelsior and almost lost her. The head count saved her life as she was found in a bathroom bleeding from self inflicted wounds.

Mercy Music has been going to Excelsior for 3 years now. Every time we take a team of Musicianaries into this center we are blessed beyond measure. The girls LOVE the music and this last visit we had enough time to sit down on the auditorium stairs and talk with all the girls that wanted to. A good portion of the girls came up, sat down and shared some of their stories with us.

“I’m just SO angry all the time. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” – 16 yrs old

“I have been addicted to meth for so long, I’m clean now, but I am going home soon and I’m worried about getting around my old friends and doing meth again.” – 17 yrs old

“I have been here for 3 years. I keep coming back because I just can’t figure out how to live with my family. I’m scared. I want to feel better. I feel better when you guys come.” – 15 yrs old

The girls heard one of our Musicianaries relate to them through the tears of her own pain. The sobs and cries began to ring out in the sanctuary as my Musicianary friend shared with them… “I have been where you are…I have felt the pain, I too wanted to end it all and take my own life. But I cried out to God and He got me through. And I’m so glad I didn’t do that because I would not be here with you wonderful girls right now!”

As this incredibly talented Musicianary began to sing a song she wrote, the girls could only respond through tears of healing…”


In this time of pain who will comfort me

Cast me not away and help me to believe

I am not forgotten, I am not forsaken

I am your beloved and you hear my cry

You care for the broken

Bring hope to the hopeless

Abba please help me know

 That you love me          




When the last amplifier and guitar was packed away in the big, brown van, we gathered in a circle to express thanks to God…we were overwhelmed with our heavenly Father’s love for them. It was so much more than just a concert. It was an evening of shared hurts, sorrows, joys, victories…an evening of resored hope. An evening where through the gift of music, there was a tangible comfort and encouragement for these beautiful daughters.


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